Attractively Dark

Someone once told me that I was very dark in an "attractive" way. If one ponders this sort of statement for a moment it becomes apparent why certain moods have a way of "slipping in under the radar" and disrupting my (usually) sunny disposition.
Must be an inherited trait as we never knew what to expect from my dad. He could go to bed with a twinkle in his eye and wake up with a dead-stare-sigh. None of which, I imagine, had anything to do with 10 pair of eyes staring up to him in constant need of his support.
So what is it that turns my mood from sunny delight to a twisted sister in the middle of the night? Possibly there is that old chemical imbalance we hear about from the head-banging specialists. Maybe it is the way an individual reacts to the ebb & flow of life. How well does the psyche handle unexpected change. How well do I emotionally accept that which I cannot control?
I kid around often about my OCD tendencies. Kind of a work place joke I cannot function at the top of my game without every little thing around me in some semblance of order. Neat freak or the alter-ego control freak?
So long abouts Wednesday of this week I was feeling low low low. Maybe I was also coming down from the opium high I experienced with a Monday back procedure. My sister, Elly, is a nurse & she emphatically swears that I am the only patient she knows of that still gets the opium lollypop for medical procedures. Given that when needles are directed at me I lose all consciousness, tend to have no pulse or blood pressure & become a soaking wet sweaty mess of (barely) living tissue; it stands to reason that before an epidural (do you know those needles are like 12 inches long??) before an epidural the good people in charge would find for me the ultimate distraction. How can something that feels so good be so bad? I mean literally I walk around for days after the procedure with what I call my "opium eyes" or what are more commonly referred to as "raccoon eyes" Really though, if one small dose of Fentanyl (200mcg oral) can do this to me, I shudder at what is happening to opium aka heroin addicts around the world. YIKES!
So maybe my dark descent was truly medicinal in nature, but given the fact that the darkness has been a continual loop since long before my first epidural, I have to ponder the question why. Why do I vacillate between girl of much humor to woman of deep pain? Johnny K once called me a bleeding heart. He doesn't know the half of it. Feeling is highly over-rated. Especially when the feeling is less than comforting and all too sharp in its (painful) intensity.
But thank you godson, Calvin, for your early morning email questioning as to why my blogging has taken a hiatus. That sort of "wake up call" is most helpful to the attractively dark - the occasional "what up" from a loved one. Especially a loved one that is more like me than he might at this point in his life care to believe. I am honored to be his godmother & bless the day he was born.
A quick self assessment of my darkened state and I am ready to let in the light once again.
Onward & upward....make it a great day, I know I am going to try!
Shalom; peace be with you, my peace I give to you.